Tony Perkis (Ben Stiller) abusing the fat kids at Camp Hope is definitely illegal and terrible, but that’s only the most obvious problem with Heavyweights. The relationship Camp Hope has with their rival, Camp MVP, is far worse. The neighboring camp is full of jerk athletic kids, sure, but it’s also run by an incredibly aggressive and abusive staff. Who’s in charge there, professional bullies?

The adults at Camp MVP must be on a healthy diet of steroids and coke, otherwise they would never drive a boat full of children across a lake just so they can yell ”You stink! You stink! You stink! You stink!” to a bunch of kids who could actually be struggling with various issues. Bullying is always bad, but that kind of adult-on-child sanctioned verbal attack is next-level cruel.

Is this a prequel to The Wolf of Wall Street? Preston Waters (Brian Bonsall) is a spoiled brat who doesn’t even deserve an allowance, and he acts like a jerk every chance he gets. This kid should have gone to jail immediately.

Instead, you have to watch a kid who already lives in a house nicer than yours buy a mansion and a limo driver/servant as his best friend. Preston is a monster, and he’s going to grow up to support mandatory background checks for welfare recipients.

Dennis Mitchel (Mason Gamble) is a sociopath with zero social skills. He might frown every once in a while, but don’t be fooled. He spends every waking minute designing and executing horrific scenarios for Mr. Wilson (Walter Matthau) just to see if he can make it look like an accident.

Try rewatching this film without getting paranoid. You’ll notice Dennis dons a sickening smirk every time he escapes consequence. This kid is going to grow up eventually, and when he does, it’s going to be bad. That’s just a fact. On second thought, save yourself the nightmares and just double-check that you locked your deadbolt.

Kazaam (Shaquille O’Neal) is a weird, mean genie who manipulates a kid just so he can free himself and start a rap career. To clarify: that is literally the plot of Kazaam. Kazaam barely helps Max (Francis Capra), and he mostly goofs around while Max is in danger. Oh, and he signs a record contract.

Kazaam is a horrible rapper, even by ’90s standards, and he’s a worse friend. Max just needed a role model, but sure Shaq, go ahead and promote your rap career as a genie (and, on a more meta level, as an actual terrible rapper).

By now, you’ve seen the documentary Blackfish, or you’re some kind of heartless monster (or maybe you just have a deep Netflix queue, whichever). But public awareness of the negligent treatment of orcas in captivity turns this feel-good family flick into a haunting tribute. If you haven’t yet, maybe don’t. Once you see it, you can’t unsee the atrocities experienced by orcas in water parks across the globe.

And, of course, they had to train a real whale play Willy. Tragically, and predictably, he didn’t have a great life. Keiko, the orca who played Willy, was also freed into the wild, but he died within a year. Knowing what we know now, the classic scene where Willy leaps over the sea wall plays more like a funeral dirge.

Camp Nowhere is the reason for the phrase “this is why we can’t have nice things.” A few entitled kids get control of one summer camp, and all hell breaks loose. Between blackmailing a teacher, underage drinking, and buying chainsaws, these kids would have gone full-on Lord of the Flies if adults hadn’t stepped in. If you rewatch this movie as an adult, there is a 100% chance you’ll suffer a full-blown panic attack.

Also, what happened to Christopher Lloyd in the ’90s? Did he owe money to a loan shark? He was in one of the greatest comedy trilogies of all time, but then he does movies about kids almost fighting each other with fireworks? Something doesn’t add up here.

If you thought Home Alone was dark, try watching a giddy baby torment three grown adults. This wacky slapstick is supposed to be treated like a cartoon, but the live-action makes everything way too real. Watching a gorilla almost take a man’s life? No, thank you.

How did these criminals get this desperate? What kind of addiction brings a man to endure falling off a building just to chase after a baby? Hopefully, we’ll never know. At least Home Alone has the nostalgia of the holidays. Baby’s Day Out is just a hollow shell of agony and suffering.

Money doesn’t buy friends, but somehow having your parents nearly slain does. Richie is a spoiled, sad kid who suddenly realizes he needs friends at age 11. But it begs the question, what was he doing before that? Putting poor people into his personal McDonald’s meat? We will never know.

Richie Rich gives single-child families a horrible name. Richie’s parents pampered him to the point where he thinks the world revolves around him, even when his parents almost lose their lives. This should have been about a privileged kid making friends by learning how to be nice, but instead it’s just a celebration of opulence.

Why is no one worried about Ed (Kel Mitchell)? Ed’s stupidity is supposed to be funny, but he obviously has a debilitating condition that needs to be addressed. Ed says that he forgets what his dad looks like, even though he “sees him every day.” Does Ed have chronic short-term memory loss? Or some kind of hyper-specific face blindness?

Whatever’s going on, Ed needs to see a neurologist ASAP. When Dexter (Kenan Thompson) gets scared to ask a girl out, Ed calls him a chicken and then says, “moo,” like a cow. That’s below the mental capacity of a first grader. Somebody get this kid a CAT scan for his birthday.

Gordon Bombay (Emilio Estevez) is a garbage human who should never be in charge of kids. He spends most of the movie trying to bolster his image so he can get a pro contract. Meanwhile, his team of children that brought him to glory are losing and getting injured. Bombay barely pays attention to them, and until he finally comes around and does his job.

Bombay is an abusive jerk who doesn’t deserve the Ducks, and they don’t need him either. Every kid on the team is a better, nicer, more loyal person than Bombay. They even run practice without him, and every kid shows up on time. Get lost, dude.

It’s impossible to separate this film from the fate of the now-infamous Lindsay Lohan. The Parent Trap launched her career, and boy, what a ride it’s been since then. It’s hard to watch this fun family flick knowing this was the beginning of the rapid rise and horrific tailspin that became the Lindsay Lohan machine.

Instead of being quirky and funny nostalgia, it’s more like watching footage of a deceased relative. But, hey, she’s apparently starting a beauty brand, so good for her.